My fear of honesty was really brought to the front burner this week. I am a docent at the Crocker Art Museum. I love being a docent. I love getting to hang out at an art museum as if it were my own. I love the mini performance that giving a tour is. I LOVE my fellow docents and the staff at the museum. I was led as if by the hand of Jesus to this opportunity. Yet when it came time for the Peer Tour Review I felt so nervous I was sure I was going to pass out, throw up or flee to the nearest bar. Know that this is truly the gentlest of assessments to make sure we docents are on the same page as the museum in what we focus on, how we present our collections and how we logistically move a group through the museum for optimal delight and safety. Still, I was overwrought, my heart pounded as if I was about to walk across the Grand Canyon on a tight rope. It felt like a heavy stone block was both pinning me down and racing me across the universe undaunted all at the same time. I wanted to cry, shout and hide all at once.
This makes no sense. How can I have the same over-reaction to a simple assessment as I would to walking the plank or root canal work without anesthetic? Simple. It is my fear of honesty. I am still, when it comes down to it, certain that I will be found out a fraud, or worse a slacker who doesn’t care or try and that certainly Love is NOT enough. Thankfully I was able to ask Holy Spirit to shed some light.
Me: I am still inundated with this overpowering nervousness re my performance I can barely breathe. I have no option but to go within. Is there anything else I can do to deal with this incredibly uncomfortable feeling?
Holy Spirit where are you?
HS: Dearest One,
The best was to “deal with” discomfort is to feel it, acknowledge it and welcome all the sensations and ASK for guidance in the NOW. The more you prepare, express, perform, share, speak and tour, the more relaxed you will be with the process of energy flow. This energy really is helping you be live in your living. Trust it and ASK how it can help you.
The Peer Tour Review actually went very well. I had two tours that day, the first was filled with many hiccoughs and was flat with a group of very timid middle schoolers who barely could answer above a whisper. Then one of my reviewers forgot to turn up at the appointed time. Fortunately one of my friends who is on my touring day is also on the Review Committee (I am too, actually, for the first time this year) and filled in at the last moment. I had to laugh at how perfect it was because I had two dear friends review my tour, a great group of home schoolers who were thrilled to participate and as I began to speak all fear and loathing left the building and I just had my usual fun with my group.
I still don’t understand the purpose and need of this crazy, death defying energy that takes over me but tomorrow I will share with you my list of “100 Reasons Why Nervous Energy (aka Panic) Is My Friend”!
