What I am beginning to notice about tiredness is that it is present whether I extend love to it or not. Perhaps this is like a hair color or being short, it just is. Of course I can go blonde if I want to (and I do) or wear high heals (not so much) to alter what is but does it really alter the limited self of brown-eyed, fifty-something, 5′ 2″ Eva? No, not really. What is getting clearer is that when I extend love I am reminded that I am love. Not that love gets rid of what I don’t want. Or that love can change everything in a moment, although it does. What changes is that I move deeper into what cannot change, what never, ever changes, what only ever and ever IS, namely, the wholeness of Love/God/Presence/Vastness. It is just that when I’m tired, tired, dog tired I am focusing on TIRED. When I extend love to tired I am focussing on LOVE. Any guesses as to which feels better? Yup. Love. I am losing my annoyance with tiredness and tiredness itself is losing its ability to stand in front of Love in such a way I can’t feel it.
And yet……….I still feel tired. It is weird to sit here with tired with no agenda. I must confess I most certainly had an agenda a few weeks ago when tiredness AS fear showed up on my radar. I wanted to NOT be tired. What a perfect way to create a veil of tiredness I cannot see or feel through! Now that I can more easily see through my tiredness I notice that I can feel the effects of physical (or mental) tiredness and go within and ask what I need. Tiredness is still my friend or training wheels, or crutch, depending on how you look at it. Here is a new thought: Can God be expressed as tiredness? Uh oh. Another facet of God/Love I tried to sneak by or ignore. What is the gift of tired?
I love having my own experience of Life!
Tired is, again, my opportunity to pause and go within and notice what is. That’s all. What is, in the vast sense never changes, but I still try to change what is by focussing on what isn’t. If I really and truly reveled in all that is right in front of my face without any agenda or conditions what would THAT feel like? Let’s try it.
Today what is in front of my face (or ear in the case of the leaf blower outside my window) is not knowing. My daughter is traveling in England and has just left an experience of Yorkshire Heaven (thanks again Louise, Elf et al) to move further into the unknown. Wait. Actually, for my daughter, she is experiencing all that is in front of her. So she knows what is going on, what she feels, sees, hears, and knows. Even though she doesn’t know how every step will go. I get the privilege of trust and feeling the Vastness that really does connect us though we are 5,000 miles apart. Whew! I feel better already. What else is in front of me? Decisions, laundry, some difficult phone calls, visiting a elderly friend who was in a car accident, breathing, feeling, noticing, lunch. Actually kind of an interesting day. I honestly feel grateful in this moment for it all. The gift of living, when you stop and notice it, is pretty spectacular.
What do you notice in front of you today? Take a few moments and really SEE each expression of LIFE even if it is the apparent ending stage on this planet. Each moment is the gift you are giving to yourself today. How precious, how perfect, how right now. What else can Love experience through you?
