6. Day 14: I Am Momentous

Recently one of my daughters received some unexpected news.  Not earth shattering, but life rearranging, tedious and upending nevertheless.  I was ready at my post with more positive spin and cheer than with true being-in-the-moment-with-them.  Of course I knew I had spoken the words that would least help when the response was a drooping, tight-lipped silence.  Darn it.  I really do want to be helpful, kind and present but somehow my response was received as brassy and too much.  Later I was chided with these words:  “Why do you always have to be so momentous!?!!  Can’t I just be sad for a moment? You get so BIG and universal so fast I can’t keep up!”    I was deflated, of course, but struck by the use of the word “momentous”.  I have used this word over and over in my journal and on this blog.  It is the only word BIG enough to describe all that I see in my life (especially in this year of graduations, weddings and international travel).  To hear I bring the momentous, rather than the event halted me in my tracks.

I had just days before even written in my journal, “I am tired of momentousness”.  Does this mean really I am tired of me, of my own epic response to what is going on in my life?  This dear child is my own best mirror.  She is the one willing to call me on my schtick, to demand honesty above all else and to love without benefit of reason.

Using momentousness as a bridge to myself.

I have learned more about myself from her than almost anyone on earth.  I must say it is not always easy facing the prickly parts of myself but God knew I would only do it with someone I adored and treasured from before she was even born.  Because of this, upon hearing that I brought the momentousness to the moment I really stopped and took this in.  It is true.  I do bring the momentousness.  The upside of this is that I throw great dinner parties, make my friends feel welcomed and beloved, and can make Tuesday reason enough to celebrate.  The downside of momentousness is that I seem to multiply the energy around me while simultaneously depriving myself of its benefit.  I make a big deal about things.  Everything really.  I celebrate the end of the day when my husband “comes home from work” (crosses the patio from our guesthouse which is where our office is) with candles and hugs.  I cheer even the slightest improvement on math scores, “Woohoooo, you got a D this is wayyyyy better than an F!”.  I even spotted a lizard on the patio the other day which I was convinced was a tiny, baby crocodile (it wasn’t).  I am a master at making things BIG, special, and over the top.  While this is fun it is also overwhelming, tiring and many times not even necessary.

I knew because of the feeling of spacious silence within me that I had been shown a key to my tiredness.  How to meet this new found revelation is still unfolding.  But admitting the truth to yourself, especially about yourself, is always a good place to start. Hi, I’m Eva, I am momentous.”……………”Hi Eva!”