3. Day 24: No Room At The Gym

I am beginning to realize that guilt feels bad because it is a contraction rather than an expansion.  It is the contraction or constricting that feels bad, not the fact that guilt is the truth about me (which it isn’t).  I had a wonderful guilt opportunity the other day when having tea with a friend.  We were at Bella Bru, me sipping green tea, my friend sipping Diet Coke when our conversation got around to “We really should take a yoga class together!”  We both have memberships at 24 Hr Fitness which is next door so we decided to go over and see when the yoga classes that would suit both of our schedules were on.

Imagine my surprise to be told I was not a member!  Apparently I had not sent payment upon a renewal notice being sent to me.  I cringed.  This was one of those terrible decisions made years before that continues to haunt.  In a fit of “let’s give this to ourselves and our health” we had paid for two memberships up front at exorbitant rates that if I went to the gym long enough would actually turn out to be the cheapest rate.  If you remembered to pay the $30/year fee.  Which I had not.  So now I was faced with the shame of wasting money, the guilt of never really going to the gym much anyway and to top it off I was kicked out permanently, unless I wanted to start all over again.

Did you say we can bike outside?

I could feel two things; guilt, because I “should” have renewed to save money (or at least continue the illusion of saving money) and freedom, because I never really like the gym and the complicated machinery anyway (preferring outdoor walking or biking).  And now I was free.  The joy I felt was standing just behind a mask of guilt.  It was as if I could feel this happy grin on my face but the feeling I “should” cover it with a sad guilt face but just couldn’t pull it off.  I was free!  Free from continuing the charade of being someone who goes to the gym.  Free to admit I like to walk or bike and am never going to be body builder, or even learn to use the walking machine without falling off.  Oh that’s right, it is called a treadmill.  I chose to feel the joy and freedom instead of the guilt.  I guess I am just not buying what guilt is selling these days.

I was shown what my deep heart wanted (get outdoors girlfriend!) instead of what my guilt wanted (to say I have a gym membership and will one day quite soon…….go to the gym…..guilt takes a lot of maintenance). Extending love to guilt is showing me that guilt is just plain not real.  Even when I feel “guilty” I don’t believe it for longer than a few moments.  This is exhilarating to discover.  This was worth the $2000 I paid for my gym membership just to see the difference I feel now allowing my heart and self to feel and want what it wants instead of wanting what it “should” want.  I think I am going to keep feeling the freedom and joy even if I don’t walk miles every week.  I will bet that the more free and joyful I feel the more I will want to walk and bike just because it feels good.  I’ll let you know how that works out……….

Do you have guilt around going (or not) to the gym?