3. Day 1: Vulcan Mind-Meld

Today we begin a new month of extending love to an epic fear.  Holy Spirit did it again with a 4:17am wake up call.  (I must be my most open at 4am.)  I almost don’t want to say out loud what the next fear is.  As far as I can remember it has affected me my whole life.  It has both propelled me and stopped me from speaking my own heart and mind for the sake of others (apparently and obviously more important others) and left me frying in my own juices, like a steak on the grill.  For me this fear has the physical effect of self-electrocution.  I never really looked at this as a fear, more of a fact of life–it is that BIG.  I have no clue where this is going, not one.  No list in the middle of the night like the 21 Fear Salute of depression; no plan, no preconceived ideas, nothing.  I feel like I am setting out to climb Mt. Everest wearing sandals and carrying nothing but a sack lunch.  I can see the fear (mountain), I know I am going somewhere and will need something (hence shoes and food) but I am not real certain I have what I need, or even know where I am going.  This fear is making itself felt this very moment.  Who am I to make this trek?  I don’t know if I am up to the task.  I know I should be better at this, more cheerful and full of hope.  I mean, I have been practicing extending love in all corners of my mind and life for years.

When Holy Spirit woke me up with:

HS:  Let’s look at guilt.  Together.

Me:  NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOooo!!!!!!

I feel guilty just saying the word guilt.  I have always felt responsible for others.  My dolls were the best

My first charges.

cared-for dolls on the planet.  It was my job to tend and care for all strays whether the last doll left behind on the shelf, the last donut on the plate or the friend kicked out of her dorm who needed a place to stay.  I brought them all home.  I would care when no one else would.  I am a one woman Marine Battalion whose motto is also:  “Leave no one behind.”  Of course my own fear of being left out or behind was why I would “feel” how terrible it was to be left behind.

In making it my earliest mission to save the world, I was destined to feel the misery of the guilt of failing to keep ALL from harm and misery.

It wasn’t until I had put myself in the most obvious, untenable situation of sharing a house with both my own husband and children and my parents while we all helped care for my Mother did I ever even notice my mission and raison d’etre just might not be possible.  I actually believed I could love and care for everyone ENOUGH that they would remain safe, healthy and ,most importantly, happy; always.  To witness catastrophic health failure at the same time as explosive business growth while raising two incredibly beautiful, powerful girls was soul shattering.

No wait.  the witness of this wasn’t shattering, the guilt of not being able to change any of it was what tore me apart.  It felt like what I imagine a Vulcan mind meld might be like:  electric, mind blowing and earth shattering combined with an epic knowledge transfer and in that moment I knew that I knew nothing (the beginning of enlightenment).

Join me into the adventure of extending love to guilt for the next 30 days.  Let’s see what happens. Together.