It is a perfect day yet I am weary of depression; of thinking about it and extending love to it. It feels as if I have gotten to take on the mantle of depression for the month, like a character, and write and ask from this space. I am now itching to throw off that cloak of stillness and run barefoot through the grass. I want juicy, vibrant and alive!
We now look at the fear of being left behind from the “21 Fear Salute” of depression. This fear of being left
behind might actually be a blessing. Is this what gets me moving into action? I can clearly remember the first instance of my fear of being left behind. I was four years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior in Sunday School (for the third time, I really wanted to make sure Jesus heard me) because I sure as heck did not want to be left behind in hell when I died.
The first time I remember being worried that someone else might me left behind or left out came about a year later in kindergarten at St.Christopher’s in Indianapolis. I spotted a lone boy on the playground who looked lost but not overly concerned about this. I was drawn to him. I thought it was because I didn’t want him to feel left out but as I look back now it was the fact that he did not seem concerned about his lone status that was so attractive. We became fast friends and I learned early that one of the best ways to avoid being left out was to include someone else. I have been a confirmed participator in life from that time one. My strong suit of Be-With (join, celebrate, take part, empathize, be loyal) met my weak suit of Be-Alone (solitary-is-scary, “how can you have fun with one?”, left out makes me pout) and decided Be-With was the only way to be. It took me a long time to admit that Be-Alone had as much delicious goody as Be-With. I think that is why I love to meditate; it is being with my being alone.
Me: Holy Spirit, the fear of being left out still guides me to a great degree. I don’t want anyone to be left out. In the midst of great celebration and joy I can think of those NOT celebrating of feeling joy and wilt. What gives?
Being with being alone.
HS: Dearest One,
You are the one you have left behind. Can you see this? You forget how very precious you are; how able, calm and strong. You have everything you need inside you. You need but ask in order to notice.
You do know what you want.
You are capable of hearing your heart.
You are worth it.
You are the “something you seek”.
You are the One.
You are your Beloved.
You are the apple of my I.
I am here.
I am enough.
I have everything I need.
Then ask: What do I want right now? Then listen and honor the answer.
Precious One, you can never be left out of Love, you can only forget a brief moment that this is the truth about you. This is the ache in being left behind, it is your own heart calling you to remember that you are and remain forever: Love * Worth it * Precious * Valuable.
Thank you for your willingness to plumb the depths of depression’s fears, now you know there is really nothing to fear, for fear is but a reminder to love.
