12. Day 7: A Kitchen Miracle

I discovered something about myself the other day; accidentally, in the middle of a conversation with my daughter.  She was bemoaning my frustrating habit of talking in non sequators, ie, one thing that does not obviously follow another. I wasn’t trying to confuse, but I was.  She wasn’t trying to be confused, but she was.  There we were, rinsing the lunch dishes to put in the dishwasher, and confusion had entered the room.  Confusion that felt like a massive cow was pressing us up against the counter, taking up space and air and leaving only perplexed discomfort.  This did not feel good, to either of us. Feelings can leave me mute, but sometimes Feeling takes over and enables that dextrous leap over confusion to the safety of clarity on the other side. This is what A Course In Miracles would call a miracle.

I was stumbling to explain how I didn’t mean to confuse but my mind seems to operate like a series of chutes and ladders I can picture from the beloved childhood game.  My thoughts will step into a chute and end up in a completely unexpected place.  In mild desperation I said abruptly, “That is why I write.  I can express in writing what I cannot communicate speaking aloud.”  I do not fear speaking, public or otherwise.  I have learned to entertain, side step and laugh a lot which actually makes people feel fairly comfortable.  But in order for me to truly communicate on the level I can when I write, I have to meditate for days as if I was about to espouse an as yet unfound book of the Bible.

Did anyone notice the cow?

We both looked at each other in surprise.  My daughter said “This is HUGE Mom, this is a revelation!”  Somehow, I think she always felt that every word that I uttered was either gospel or marching orders.  To grasp the possibility that I, the famed talker (“she can talk under water with marbles in her mouth”) could still have difficulties actually communicating the truth of what I wanted to share was an entirely new way to look at things.

For me, it was a new way for me to see myself. To admit, that just because I am confident in speaking in most situations, including a crowd of hundreds.  I am just learning how to truly express my holy self, the essence of my being in spoken word in more recent years.  I am still that calf, slipping and stumbling in the stable, mewing for her mother.  I can speak to a crowd because I will meditate, prepare and get in that space.  I do the same with Holy Spirit sessions when I meditate and pray and speak with intention and purpose from the depths of my heart.  However, with daily conversation I notice, I still try to wing on my own. Writing and meditating gives me the strength, stability and focus that I need to feel firm in my heart’s voice.  Self love is a full time job and getting to know yourself is the first gift that opens more doors than you could ever know.  I now know, that in order for me to express myself “live” in day to day spoken word I am going to have to ask for guidance, practice and a whole lot more surrender to a day-to-day integration with Holy Spirit.