Years ago in one of the earliest spoof films called “Flying High” (maybe called “Airplane” in the USA) there was a character that throughout the film would be in various states of becoming stressed and disheveled and say “I picked a bad week to give up drinking/smoking/glue sniffing”. It just get getting crazier each time he showed up. I feel a lot like that with this month of extending love to the fear of Feeling(s). I picked a bad month to extend love to feelings. This is also the month we are on a detox (ie sans wheat, dairy, sugar, alcohol). It is also the month we have begun The Great Organizing Project (we have 2 garages, 10 closets, 4 filing cabinets, 40+ drawers, cabinets, chests, boxes, trunks etc)and had a budgeting summit with our CPA. For fun, let’s add a poetry workshop, a writer’s conference and my first live poetry reading. Yikes! How did all of that sneak into view as soon as I set the intention to extend love to my fear of feelings? I am feeling plenty and I am not proud to say I am not exactly enjoying it. For one, I have noticed that these things are all pushing my buttons that make me want to flee, quit or at least order croissants. I will be honest, I am uncomfortable. I am not miserable or even qualifying this feeling as suffering but definitely it can be described as uncomfortable. I guess this is the very definition of moving OUT of one’s comfort zone.
Tell me a story of when you were human again….
I didn’t plan all of this to happen at once. Nor did I think ahead to see what fear would be good to work on this month. I just keep motoring along asking Holy Spirit and look on with wonder to see what happens next. So this is what is happening next; I am not as afraid of discomfort as I used to be. It just so happens that last month’s fear of success got me ready to receive the plethora of feedback I am getting this month in several crucial areas (organization, finance, health, writing). I could use that list of “100 reasons feedback is love too” right about now. Breathe…………….
This reminds me of that old ad by Toyota: “You asked for it. You GOOOT it. To-yoooo-ta!” (I must be tired because all I can think of are movies scenes and advertisement jingles.). But I did ask for it; practice in extending love to my feelings. It never really occurred to me that to practice I would need to drum up some feelings in order to feel and then get to choose extending love instead of chips and dip, or choose love instead of buying more than I need or choosing love instead of ignoring the pile of unused books in my back garage.
I love breaking bread with Holy Spirit.
Holy Spirit is a true Friend, I got exactly what I asked for. The weird thing is I am seeing how each of these areas affects the other. I can’t over eat and over spend and under notice and still continue to feel the peace and joy that I am. Thank goodness I have already spent the last 11 1/2 months practicing extending love to my fears because they are all on parade this month. My fear of guilt, depression and letting go contributed to all the stuff in the garages. My fears of commitment, every day and not knowing led to not keeping on a sensible budget. My fears of tiredness, honesty and feeling my feelings have led quite obviously to my having what the French so beautifully call being overweight; avoir du poids. My fears of fear itself, truly living joy and my fear of success is what has held me in check from going on to the next stage in writing (that would be seeking publication).
I do see symmetry in this plan, my Holy Friend. I suspect you are chuckling to yourself as you see the light dawning slowly and with hardly any fanfare. My big discovery today is that I can be uncomfortable AND feel/know/totally trust Holy Spirit simultaneously.
In other words, I am experiencing my human self and my divine self together- as-one. Now that is the real shabby chic!
From the outside looking in, I think I see someone who has opened up a number of major fronts, as it were. I sympathise. But remember, you are only human. You can probably not do it all, all at once. I am confident that you and the Holy Spirit will find a way to get through this, but do not be too hard on yourself. I keep using military language, goodness knows why, but – one battle at a time, girl! I am sending you much love as always.
Dearest Friend, I thank you so much for you love and encouragement. I am reminded of what the Bible says and our Pastor growing up in Houston said over and over: “The battle is the Lord’s”. It is true the battle IS the Lord’s and he is living right here in my heart so intimately I know this, too, is joy, willingness and strength growing by leaps and bounds! xoxoxo
Yep. Be careful what you ask for. I lost a very dear friend and now I have ‘feelings’. I have to also deal with other people’s feelings. Arrg. One of the mutual friends of this person and I were talking with the funeral director and she just started balling and couldn’t stop. My first thought was, good grief, get it together. I’m firmly in ‘get it done’ mode and sometimes the loss creeps but I don’t have time for that. I probably should, but it feels uncomfortable and unproductive. Thank you for sharing this journey.
Oh Honey, I am deeply sorry for your loss of your friend. All forms of grieving and mourning are most acceptable, the weeping and the “get ‘er done”. I read a wonderful quote recently by Sigmund Freud in his study about “Melancholia & Mourning”: “In mourning the self esteem is still present.” Extend love to your feelings and the thought “I don’t have time for feelings” precious friend. Love is who you are. Love is who your friend is. You are not alone in this thing called sadness, grief and loss. Sending much love and hugs to you. xoxoxo