“I don’t know what to think about my feelings.” I said
“Maybe that’s the problem. Thinking about them instead of feeling them.” she said.
I was caught out the other day when I was experiencing nausea, headache and weepiness and discovered it was but a call for attendance and expression by some unacknowledged feelings. It made me wonder what else might be lurking inside, desperate for acknowledgement, welcome and expression. I have centered my practice on the premise that Love IS enough. Love is who I am and loving is what I do. In extending love to my thoughts I allow, notice and extend any quality of love to them that feels called forth. I also extend love to the way I feel, those in my midst, events, circumstances I find myself in. I thought I extended love to my feelings and emotions but recently I have been caused to notice that maybe I am not being entirely honest with myself.
The day I was feeling so icky, I kept saying to myself “I just want to cry” but at the same time there was a barrage of insistent tasks, a thought cluster designated clock watcher and just the deeper knowing that the emotion I was feeling was way too big for the moment so it would be better for all of us to keep it in check. In my clumsy bid to “feel my feelings” and express the emotions I was feeling I came face to face with my next fear: Fear Of Feeling(s). I think it is important to add the “s” because the fear is very real of both “feeling” and “feelings”. Feeling can lead to awareness, pain, joy, glory and bereavement. Feelings can be happy, sad, bemused, angry, terrified and more. I think we are aware of the feelings before we are aware of the Feeling. Feeling is another form of communication and receiving of such. It is one way to know, intrinsically without thought which direction to go or what action to take. It is so powerful, when we refer to feeling or feelings being outpoured we use grand words such as unleashing, exploding, mercurial. One of the reasons feelings can feel both catastrophic and overwhelming is that we spend a lifetime trying to keep them in check.
What’s FEELING got to do with it?
Me: HS, what am I afraid of exactly?
HS: Dearest One,
As I AM part of your thought process, I AM also pat of your feeling process. Awareness is at all levels of consciousness in all things. Feeling is an aware trust without words, which is why it is harder for you to notice.
Allow yourself to feel your body now, this moment, and notice how each part is in your present awareness.
Me: thumb twitching, breathing feels shallow & tired, there’s a mild ache around my eyes, I feel unexplained sadness of loss permeating everything as if my cells have withdrawn and are waiting for instructions, I feel hungry in my middle & tired in my extremities
I naturally consulted Holy Spirit with the choosing of this fear because, quite frankly, it has all the allure of extending love to a black hole; impossible, never ending, dark, inexplicable and definitely life threatening. My walk with the Holy Spirit has taught me to trust even when my thoughts tell me to run (perhaps especially). I feel like I am about to unleash the Genie from the bottle. Huzzah!
It’s a relief and kind of comforting that you don’t get it “right” all the time. It gives hope for the rest of us. I get some good ideas and some reassurance from your blog but also the knowledge that I am not alone. Thank you.
Dear One, of that you can be most certain; you are not alone. None of us are. We have the most Holy Loving Presence within us all of the time. We need but pause, breathe and ask again to remember. xoxoxo
Feelings. I hate them. They make me feel. I fight with this every day. My parents did not encourage the feeling or the expression of same. Crying is weak. Don’t let people see your struggles or sadness. Buck up.
What a crock.
Feelings, as I’ve come to find out, are not on a dimmer switch. You can’t feel some and not others. You either feel or you don’t.
Although it is sometimes embarrassing, I’m working on letting others see my grief or my struggle. Not everyone, as that makes me feel too vulnerable, but those I trust not to use it as a weapon against me.
Extending love to feelings is not for sissies. Open the bottle. Be brave. We will be here for you.
xoxo
Thanks Sistah! It is nice to know you have my back. I feel like that line from the old Bette Davis movie “Hang on! I think it’s going to be a bumpy night!” Thanks for sharing, it makes the world of difference to both of us:) xoxo